Season Premiere: The League – “The Bachelor Draft” (Season 5, Episode 1)

While some people might be waiting for the “equinox” to tell them that summer has ended, but over here in television-land, we mark our seasons by the shows that are airing. The first leaves of change fell this week as FXX aired two of its major Fall comedies: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and, more importantly for today, The League.

While we don’t currently have a First Watch for newcomers to The League up yet, we’ll do our best to provide something soon. Tonight, it’s all about season five’s premiere.

The League picks back up with a surprising return to normalcy after the chaos that was Taco Corp’s New Years Bash. Unfortunately, that normalcy is immediately dispelled by an awkward wedding invitation (titled ‘Top Groom’) from Andre and Trixie that results in a sea of semen-based puns based on Tom Cruise’s filmography. The League knows how to keep it classy.

Unfortunately(?), last season left us without an on-screen winner, and it seems The League is going to use that to focus on Ruxin’s Sacko punishment for the first episode instead of the usual twenty-minute episode of trash talk that we get following a victory by one of the cast. Nope, nope. I spoke too soon. Not only is there no Ruxin Sacko punishment (Ruxin quit the league!), but there is a lovely video of out-of-town league member, Ted (Adam Brody), laying the verbal smack down on the losers. Luckily for Andre, Ted wants to have the draft out in California, so the members don’t have too much of a problem with his wedding being in Los Angeles.

Destination Draft(/Wedding), here we come!

Back on the wedding front, Andre and Trixie are tasting cake samples. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to have their flying cake that shoots chocolate bullets.  I was really looking forward to that. Andre has some real talk with Trixie about wanting to do a Bachelor-style competition to pick his best man and she agrees, but turns down his request for a wedding draft. Andre returns to the bar, defeated, to let the league in on the bad news, but they veto Trixie’s decision. Shiva Winner’s choice takes precedence over the groom’s choice, after all. It’ll have to be a SECRET bachelor party draft. Following the decision, we have some funny scenes that lead to Jenny being Andre’s best man (so she can attend the draft) and finding out that out-of-towner Ted has AIDS. Great fun for the whole family.

At the SECRET bachelor party draft, Ted reveals the guest of honor (and the first NFL guest star for the season), J.J. Watt. The league gives Ruxin the opportunity to re-join the league, but he denies them and Watt gets to do Ruxin’s draft picks. First pick, Houston’s defense. Insert outcry from Ruxin. The second pick for Ruxin’s team goes to the second guest of honor, Blair Walsh, who picks — wait for it — Blair Walsh. With that Ruxin finally breaks and rejoins the league, but has to keep the picks and fulfill his Sacko duties.

Rafi, taking Ruxin’s leaving of the Domination League as a hit to honor, abducts Ruxin and takes him to visit his Domination League companions: Dirty Randy, Russell, some guy named Spazz (Jorma Taccone), and a bunch of unnamed extras. Uh-oh.

“The Bachelor Draft” was a solid return for The League‘s fifth season. I got everything I wanted: some Sacko, some out-of-towner action, some Rafi and some NFL guest stars. I just hope this isn’t the last we see of Rafi’s Domination League (especially Dirty Randy’s blue dildo trident).

Good episode all-around, hopefully it keeps up.

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About Daniel

I'm a guy who spends way too much time playing board games and watching television with his friends. View all posts by Daniel

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